The stars have fallen

I learned that people are born to be selfish and people who are too generous, are the fools who fall behind. Look at me, a fool indeed! To follow the words of others, making me a sheep that is served to be slaughtered at their advantage! Telling me to stop believing in my dreams, telling me to do as their say.

Then, what happened in the end? They say it is none of their business, that that is 'life'. Why should I give up on my dreams and hopes to accompany your bloody misery? It is your own fault for giving up your own dreams so don't drag me into the mud with you. I am not interested in your selfish misery, if you want to go die then do it by all means. Jump down building for all I care, I won't stop you at all; It is none of my business. Just go die, die, die. What are you waiting for, you selfish people? Why should you care on how others think when you only care about yourselves? If you only care about yourselves, then do it, who cares about you anyway?

It is only recently I opened my eyes on why people should do the things they like: It makes the battles in life more worthwhile fighting for. If you are doing something you don't like and dealing with shit ass people, what is the point of the whole thing? Money? May as well just go and be a prostitute, I don't see how it can be any different since you have no dignity anyway. People who do things for the sake of money are like things we can buy off the shelves in the supermarket. For survival? Don't give me that shit again, there is more than one way to survive rather than selling your one and only soul to the money for the rest of your life.

I hate them, I hate them all.

Yet, I'm already one of them.

I hate myself more as each day passes by. Maybe I should just die.

Venus Attack with Lust

Some time ago, my friends and I went to this Gothic place for dinner and live show. It's a real treat for me since I love goth and comedy. Afterall, it's not everyday you get to see everyone dressed up Gothic. While we were enjoying ourselves immensely, my eyes spotted this gothic waiter with very nicely shaped shoulders (Broad and wide), yet he is still very fitting-ly thin (not skinny, mind you). Before I said anything, my friend nodded her head towards him and whispered to me, "He's kinda cute".

"I agree, he is cute".

Those who know me well, don't start running for cover, the sky isn't falling. I know well that I really rarely compliment a guy for being good looking, handsome and/or cute. Worst of all, I broke many female friends' hearts by criticizing their idol for being ok-looking, not cute, not good looking and at times, plain ugly.

When the waiter came around to collect the plates, my guy friend said to him, "Hey, she thinks you are cute!", referring to my friend. As my friend slapped her hand on him for saying such things, the waiter make this supposingly-haunting giggle. At the same time, I said to him, "I think you are cute too!".

My eyes followed him a lot, I became a some sort of a stalker.

For two to three days after the incident, I regretted that I didn't take a photo with this cute waiter. I couldn't get his nice wide broad shoulder out of my head and his haunting giggle.

Was it love at first?

Absolutely not.

Venus had crept up to me when I least expected. This time, her strategy was to get me to indulge into what I like most, what I believe and project on a males' body.

I like goth.

What about a gothic guy, my sweet?

Guys with wide shoulders and lean body tend to be fit.

What about a gothic guy with wide shoulder and lean body, my darling?

Nah, such guys won't exist, they are either too young or too emo anyway.

I see one just over there, doesn't seem to be too young nor too emo, he's perfect, my sweetheart.

See the trap? When I finally realized I was obsessing over something really stupid (I don't even know his name!), Venus' voice became obvious. However, for the first time in my life, I was almost defeated by her. Her nagging was well-disguised. Instead of using the usual advice that I'm getting old, lonely and that I'm a female, she used the "Survival for the fittest" and choosing a healthy mate. She knew what I deemed as healthy and used it upon me!

You shall fool me no more, Venus! BEGONE!

Even though her mask fell off, she is still nagging me, giving me this desperate feeling of being single for all my life. Nevertheless, shame on her for using lust to attack me.

I won again.

Nothing to share

My head has many stories to share.

Yet, my hands say "There is nothing to share".

Honour One's Choice

It's always easier to tell others what you think it's important.

However, it's impossible for you to understand the significance of it in that other person.

Priority is different for everyone.

Then again, of course, you won't understand because you believe that your priority is more important than everyone else's.

That's why I remain silent. When I do succeed, don't come to me and say, "Why didn't tell me this before?".

That's because I did tell you before; you just think it's nothing important. Instead, you insisted me on following you rather than honouring my choice. So, I listened to you. I did what you wanted me to do.

I'm sorry to say this: I have regretted doing so. I kept my smile on to let you think I'm happy. The truth is, every night, my heart cries secretly in pain. Even if you are concern on why I'm unhappy, I know you will never ever understand why. Instead, you'll keep on insisting on why I should be happy in the first place.

That's not understanding, that's denying.

Everyone will think I have never tried just like not trying other colours. The truth is I have tried for 7 years into liking it. I have never gotten to it at all. Is the 7 years worth wasting?

Then again, of course, you'll never understand. Instead, you'll just tell me to try liking it. You'll never understand the pain I went through. Next, you'll say that I should be grateful for all the things you have done.

I am grateful, I really am and I'm not being sarcastic at all. I just think you are not grateful of me for being who I am. Not being grateful that I never got myself into a lot of trouble like some kids. Not being grateful that I tried really hard. Not being grateful that I never rebelled against you like some people do. Not being grateful that I honour you as much as I can.

I rarely receive appreciation aside for being obedient. An obedient fool.

If I continue on this way, following your word, I don't believe I have any reason to continue living on anymore.

Life is a torture to me, there's too little joy. I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself. I don't know how long more I can take it. My pen has ran out of ink lately, I have almost nothing to write about lately and I know god damn well that that is not a good sign at all.

Even if I say I have been depressed lately, even if I tell you why, you'll continue telling me on why I should be happy in the first place.

I'M SICK OF THE DENYING. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP DENYING? WHY DON'T YOU JUST ACKNOWLEDGE AND LET ME DO WHAT I WANT TO DO?

Will you please return my youth?

Even if you acknowledge, what difference does it make? You'll keep telling me that the choice I made is good, that I made the right choice. I'm sick of it all.

I can't take this anymore, I can't take this anymore, insanity is dripping in, dripping in, dripping in silently. I don't know how long I'll last. If people haven't been dropping by for visits and I haven't been forcing myself to socialize, I would have become a secluded hermit.

I can't take this anymore, I can't take this anymore, I can't take this anymore...

Avenging Angel

I have been watching anime called "Jigoku Shoujo" that is pretty much about revenge in summary. In the anime, you access a website at midnight and type in the name of the person you want to revenge on then submit it. After that, the hell girl will appear in front of you and hand you a straw doll with a red string around its neck. If you wish to get rid of that person, you need to untie the string to make it 'official'. However, there is a big price to pay. When you curse a person, two graves are dug in hell. One is for the person you want to avenge on, the other is for yourself. Although it'll only happen after death, there is no salvation once the contract is made. In other words, you and the cursed person will go the hell regardless once the string is untied.

My friend, CWHY, asked me this question, "Will you access such a website to get revenge?".

"It's hard to say" was my reply, "It's a matter on whether I want to stoop low enough to that person's level and the thought of going to the same place cringes me".

Nevertheless, I did not tell him/her this: "Then again, I thought heavily of revenge before".

Same Old Story

It's the same old story, I must say. It's only 2 months away from next year and I know I didn't achieve much this year.

I remember I said I wanted to learn 2 new languages that are spanish and japanese. Wah, so ambitious! Go! Go!

Mana Tahu, apa bahasa pun tidak belajar, hanya tahu bullshit sahaja.

Then, I said I wanted to write more. As usual, bright ideas come in more easily than writing them themselves. Everything is either half arsed and nothing stated.

I also want to paint more. Sure, I did paint more, I painted two pictures only.

The funniest part of is I wanted to finish this Final Fantasy 9 game this year. I stopped playing before I knew it.

Honestly, I'm quite cheese at myself. However, it's the same old story as usual, I say I'll do this and that but didn't get to it.

I supposed there are some issues I have to deal with.

Travelling Companion

It's funny how recently I came up with this strange idea. Just a month, I was entertaining the idea of joining reality TV show "Amazing Race". Of course, I'm not serious about it at all (I only seen a handful of episodes in my lifetime). It was one of those day-dreamy sort of thing that intrigues me into "If I join the show, what will I do?". It's like asking kids what they would do with 100 dollars.

Obviously, I would think on who I like to be my travelling companion in this "Amazing Race". A list of names ran through my head, whether they will make good candidates is another question. The majority of the people I thought of are my girl friends and very few of them are males.

While I was wasting my time and effort on this little exercise that is only good in making sure that my brain does actually work, something hit my head like a stray boomerang.

I like to have a gay friend to be my travelling companion.

Some of you will probably be thinking along the lines of "Huh?" and "That's so random".

I must confess, the thought is really.... random. Nevertheless, random with a reason.

When I say gay, I only refer to homosexual man. In other words, lesbians are out of the list. The reasons for choosing gay are relatively simple.

First, gay is a man and there are many things a man can do that woman can't and vice versa. Of course, this doesn't apply to all gays as there are those who are more in touch with their feminine side. There are also gays who resent women like a disease. So, here, I'm referring to manly gays.

Second, gay has no particular interest in women other than just being friends. I know I sound very distrustful here when I'm actually not. If I go with a heterosexual man, people around us will start assuming that there's something between us even if there is really nothing going on. Eventually, rumours will spread and reputation will be affected. Knowing human nature, who's going to believe me and him that we are nothing more but platonic friends? You are probably wondering why I should bother with things like that. In all honesty, I don't care about such things and I know the nasty things that's been spoken behind my back (Yes, I do know). Nevertheless, I will care if it spreads to somebody of my great interest (I believe, smart readers, you know what I mean). Think of it this way (For those who don't get it): If the rumours are bad, how the hell will the person of interest think of me? Now, you may ask, how should this different with a gay then? Since he's a gay, there's no way that something will go on between us. Of course, there'll still be nasty words hanging around but I believe they are things that I can just ignore. Anybody who thinks that there is something more between he and I, I can easily knock it off by saying "That person is an absolutely nincompoop who don't know the different between gays, lesbians and heterosexual". People with good common sense can tell that that 'nincompoop' is not a good source for appropriate gossip and unreliable (Like somebody I know very well). Then again, he has to be openly admitting that he's a gay before we proceed any further.

Thirdly, probably the most crudest reason of all, I can at least rest assure that he won't do anything 'funny' to me.

Despite everything I have said, there are still some fatal flaws to this dreamy plan. One, it will be absolutely dreadful if I fall in love with him and know damn well I can't have him at the same time. Two, I might watch him kiss (or more) guys and I don't know if I can take it (Yes, I can be quite anal). Three, I might accidentally chase away prospective gays away from him and he chase away prospective suitors from me. That is, assuming, we don't have a chance to tell them our sexual interest. Four, it'll break my heart deeply if the guy I'm interested in turns out more interested in him (You know, like that Bridget Jones diary movie?). Five, depending on whether the gay is aggressive or not, I may actually risk my good guy friends being molested by him.

That's my two cents worth of thought. It's too interesting that I just cannot resist sharing.

Resemblance

A friend of mine, whom I love to call her 'Precious', shared with me on how she was able to meet people who are very similar to her: Same name, same life, same ideas etc. Mind you, she's not one of those ordinary friends you meet everyday: She's one hell of a character, eccentric in her smart ways and talented in a beautiful unusual way. No, she's not an ordinary person; she's overly unique and yet she can still find people similar to her that surprises me to no end.

While I listened in awe on the amazement of her life, I came to wonder about mine. Do I know anyone who is similar to me? Knowing myself, I'll probably make a very interesting character: Androgynous, gothic, creative, weird, emotional (Somehow or rather, still considered as rational), thinker, two-faced, mild otaku, mild bookworm... Well, that's how I deemed myself. Is there anyone out there who is very similar to me?

As I scrolled through my list of friends in my head, there was one. I repeat, was. That was like, goodness, 10 years ago? Many people used to describe us as being very similar in personality, just minus the fact that she had and still has a pretty face, difference in religion and my weird imagination. Aside from that, we were quite about the same.

What changed? I must say that she didn't change much except that she has grown wiser, more mature and more feminine as years go by. I was the one who changed that made us two very different people. I developed my androgynous, gothic, thinker and two-faced traits during the transition of entering young adulthood. At the same time, I became more otaku (not to the extreme though) and creative.

I could have easily become like her: To be more feminine. Yet, I was not popular; People talked behind my back on how 'unpretty' I was. Though I know that they didn't meant to hurt me and that it was a casual gossip, I couldn't help but to think that no matter what I do, I won't be pretty any ways. I just found it pointless.

Rejection and belief in being rejected were the foundation in shaping my personality. While many people didn't notice, I tried at many occasions in joining a group. However, either they think I was not suited in joining them or I'm just uncool, I was rejected or I believed I was rejected. Of course, I was not being rejected by everyone (If that's the case, my life must be pretty sad and lonely). Nevertheless, how I was treated was interestingly different. How different, I will not say here. I will not deny that I have friends who accept me as I am, but I will not deny that I have friends who didn't accept me as I am either. Don't get me wrong here, I do have great friends from high school days and I am grateful that they stood by my side all these years.

Probably because of different treatments and rejections, I left high school without much feelings. The only thing I felt was relief. Back then, I couldn't quite figure out what kind of relief it was. I only knew that it was more than just finishing my high school studies. Now, I understood: Leaving high school meant that I would be more free to be myself. The rigid school system had formed a mask over my face that resulted in many people not getting to know me.

I was more accepted by people when I entered tertiary studies, even though I wondered if it was because of my good grades or they like me as I am. Yet, it didn't really matter all that much since I was pretty much numbed by such things. Moreover, I unknowingly shaped myself in such a way that made me really unique that makes it really hard for me to find someone similar to me.

Despite being different, I can still see bits and pieces of myself in some people I know. For some people, I can see the old naive self in them. For some people, I can see what I could have been. For some people, I can see the otakuness. However, there is none I can think of who is almost the same as me.

While I sound like it's a good thing that I am "one of its own kind", it has a couple drawback: Solitude and pressure to conform. Three is a crowd, two is a couple, one is a loner. I believe many people find me difficult to understand since I'm rather different. The only people who can understand me really well are those who are really different themselves. I think it's quite a blessing on the fact that many of my course mates are very unusual themselves. I mean, let's face, who study such an unusual course to begin with? The other problem is the pressure to conform. When I say this, it's not so much on people telling you to conform; it's the silent hints that's killing me. Now that I'm working, it's harder as society cannot bear the thought of having an odd ball in the midst of them all. Once again, don't get me wrong, I get along with my colleagues very well. Just that I can be quite uncomfortable from time to time.

At times, I wondered if it only means that I'm at the wrong place, that I was just a misplaced human. Only time will tell for now.

Truth to be told, I don't really want to know someone who is similar to me. However, somewhere in me, I thought it'll be nice if there is one. Contradicting, I know. Yet, I don't want to resemble anyone. I also don't want people to resemble me.

Even after everything I have been through, I still strive to become myself.